Adventures in Parenting

“So you hate feeling so stressed in your own home and you’ve realized that micro-managing your family’s lives isn’t actually improving anything.”

Pete Aldin has identified one of the greatest predicament of a parent - stress.

My interview with Pete offers some insightful helps for us to handle stress in daily life. Click on the link below to play or download the podcast of our conversation.

Pete Aldin is the author of the book “The Stressed-out Parent’s Guide to a Happier Home-life”. His work as a life coach gives him opportunities to work with many parents.

Check out his website at http://www.greatcircle.com.au/ and his dad blog at http://www.freakedoutfathers.com/

 

 Happier home life [36:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (6)

Posted in Podcasts • 3 Comments »

I admit, we live a sheltered life here in the suburbs.

I’m not complaining. We like the relative peace and tranquility of suburbia. On the other hand, we cannot live with our heads in the sand.

In my zeal after reading about the devastation in China, I went berserk last night and lectured my 12-year-old about being too concern about her own affairs. “Don’t be so worry about your test grade or your project! Don’t you know thousands of people are dying???” She looked at me blankly and said, “Mom, I am too young to understand all that.”

How can we teach our children about something that is happening so far away? How can it make sense to us?

This is not the type of thing can be taught at a single moment or with one lecture. We cannot expect our children to understand about things that we only talk about once a year when it hits major news. It takes a lifetime for us to develop a heart of compassion and see our world as a global community.

Here are just a few suggestions to get started and to build on:

1. Talking about news in other parts of world should be a part of our regular conversation. When we talk about the world on a regular basis, it doesn’t seem so far away if it was suddenly brought up out of nowhere. This means our dinnertime conversation doesn’t have to be limited to what we did at school or whose team won. My daughter just finished a multicultural project at school that gave us opportunities to talk about how people live in the Far East.

2. Sponsor a child. We sponsor a child through World Vision and are updated with materials about the needs around the world. In fact, their website is very educational. It’ll be good to take a regular visit there instead of to YouTube.

3. Pray for the victims. It may not seem like much, but I believe God hears when people call to Him. Our prayers not only teach our children to think of those in need, but it also in a real way move the heart of God. Add that to our regular night time prayers.

What else do you suggest?

Posted in Teaching values, What our children should know • 4 Comments »

If we were to count up volunteer hours in a community, I bet it would add to to an impressive amount.

Last Friday, I spent almost 4 hours at my daughter’s middle school selling food at their field day activities. There were more than a dozen of us parents helping out, some were there all day.

From sport coaches to room moms, parents put in a lot of their personal time. I know that many requests are made of us.

“Can you help out with selling t-shirts?”
“Would you mind coming early to set up the Book Fair?”
“Can you bring snacks for the team next week?”

Do those sound familiar?

I know there must be some kind of study correlating parent involvement and children success. But I don’t need statistics to tell me that when I am involved with the activities of my children, not only do my children benefit, but the community as a whole is a better place.

I have a friend who is so giving that she can always be depended on to help any where there is a need. She is a Girl Scout leader, babysits kids in the neighbor, and volunteers at the elementary school even after her kids have grown out of the school. I can’t begin to list all the help she gives to the community, to the church, and to the schools.

The benefit of all that is, her example is rubbing off on her children. Both her son and daughter are very involved with the children’s ministry at church. Not only her own children, but the lives of the children she touched is a legacy of her volunteer work. They all know Mrs. L– .

Here are some more reasons to volunteer:

1. Being around keeps your children accountable. They know you’ll see what they are doing.

2. Being around lets you see who your children’s friends are. If they are starting to run with the wrong crowd, you can intervene early before it gets too far.

3. Being around lets your children know that you care enough about what they do to do it with them. For some reason, our children love to have us participate. “Mom, Jump in the pool, the water is great.” That’s alright, I am having much more fun sitting in the shade. “Oh, come on, mom, we want you to swim with us.” But I don’t want to get my hair wet…O alright, I’ll just get my feet wet…

4. Being around protects your child. Would any bully mess with the room mom’s child? I don’t think so.

5. Being around keeps you young. We get to reminisce the good ol’ days, but from a better vantage point this time around. Us parents who hang around end up chatting about the crazy things we used to do when we were in school. Hilarious!

So when someone asks for help, be the first to raise your hand. “I’ll be there.”

What other benefits of volunteering have you experienced?

Photo by ctd 2005

Posted in General, What's a good parent • 3 Comments »

Do you know that parents suffer from an occupational hazard?

It’s called low self esteem.

We beat up on ourselves whenever our children do anything wrong. If they go wild in the store, or do poorly in school, or won’t eat their vegetables, we feel that we’ve somehow failed as a parent. There always seems to be something we could have done better.

But let me assure you today, we parents occasionally do a few things right! And I’m not just saying that. I have proof.

For Mother’s Day this week, I asked several young adults to tell us a few things that their moms did right. I hope this encourages you to know that even when our children fight us tooth and nail sometimes, they will grow up appreciating what we’ve done for them. All our efforts are not forgotten!

Daniel:

My mom sent me to violin/saxophone/math/drawing/Chinese caligraphy/chemistry/physics/chinese/english/… lessons. I don’t do 90% of those things anymore, but it sure helped me become who I am today! She rewarded me appropriately without spoiling me. She taught me that money does not grow on trees. She even trusted me in making some of my own decisions. No matter what my accomplishments were, she simply loves me because I am her son.

Bonnie:

My mom immigrated to the U.S. so my brother and I could have a better education. She always made me eat breakfast in the morning. She makes efforts to take great care of my grandmother, and my grandpa when he was alive. She’s a wonderful person to work with. She’s worked in the same business with my dad for over 30 years. She even went back to school to learn Spanish and public speaking, setting an example for me to learn.

Jon:

My mom taught me to clean up after myself, took care of me when I got hurt, taught me not to complain and she fed me. Now I’m grown up, she lets me pave my own way.

KW:

My mom taught me how to keep track of what I spend and how to save money. She also taught me how to do household stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc. - good to know before college!). She’s pretty independent and can do things for herself and now I’m kind of like that.

What do you give credit to your mom for?

Photo by 2757

Tags: mother, Mother's Day
Posted in A Mother's Reflections, General • 3 Comments »

“Mom, don’t throw it away! You can reuse that.”

I rolled my eyes as I fished the empty jelly jar out of the trash. (To tell the truth, I just didn’t want to have more to wash!)

My kids are growing up in a culture much more environmentally sensitive than the way I grew up. To me, styrofoam was the best invention since the crockpot.

But I am glad my children are teaching me to save. This goes well with the value that I try to teach them about not being materialistic.

I wrote a post for Margit Crane at Rock the World on battling Materialism . I didn’t mention this in that piece, so I will add that here. Encouraging our children to “reduce, reuse and recycle” is a great way to learn not to be materialistic.

Here are some suggestions on putting that into practice with our children:

1. When your children want to buy a toy, ask them which of the toys they have that can do a similar thing. My girls love stuffed toys. I have to always remind them, “Don’t we already have a plush bear?”

2. “Shop” hand-me-downs at home. I am not shy about asking my sisters and friends for clothes that their children outgrew. Children’s clothes are hardly ever worn out. When I get a bag of “pre-owned” clothes, I tell my children, “Let’s go shopping.” We lay out the clothes in my room with a full-length mirror, and they have fun trying on clothes that is as good as new.

3. Start a compost. I have not done this but several of my friends have. This is a good project to do with your children.

Teaching our children to be mindful with our possessions and not be wasteful goes hand in hand with teaching them not to be materialistic .

Visit Margit’s site to read my article on teaching our children to overcome materialism .

What other ideas do you have to practice the three R’s?

Photo by gavinandrewstewart

Tags: materialistic, recycle
Posted in Teaching values • 4 Comments »

As a parent, we are concern with who our children’s friends are, aren’t we? We know that their peers have a strong influence on the way our children will turn out.

What is the best way for a parent to see who your children hang out with and what they are like when they are with their friends? (No, you can’t stalk them at school!)

Invite them over to your house!

The thought of 5 little 10-year-olds or 10 teenagers messing up your house probably sends chills down your spine. But I figured, what’s my house for anyway? My house is not a museum, it’s not for adults only, and it’s no fun if I am the only one in it. I had kids so that I can enjoy the house with my kids. Why keep them away from my house?

In fact, wouldn’t you rather have your children and their friends at your house instead of at someone else’s house where you don’t know what they are doing? I want to make sure I make my house as friendly as possible for kids to want to come to my house.

I admit, there are sacrifices involved. My light colored carpet is not so light colored anymore. I always have to wipe off the walls of hand prints and scuff marks. And some marks will never come off. There are some deterioration that cannot be repaired - the worn couch, the scratched table, the broken chair.

But I’d rather take the un-Martha Stewart look and trade it in for memories of seeing my children play and building that relationship with my children and their friends.

Now that summer is almost here, I want to make sure my kids know that their friends are welcome here.

So here are some ways to make your home the place to come to:

1. Make sure there is plenty of food and drinks stocked. Buying individual servings of drinks like CapriSun or soda cans is more expensive, but you save on not having to wash cups and limiting spills.

2. Have some play attraction. A ping pong table, a basketball hoop, a game system with multi-player games as well as some board games can entertain the kids. We bought the Game Cube and now the Wii to make it an attraction for friends. We hardly play it ourselves. Some chalk to draw on the side walk or a ball to play handball against the wall, or some hula hoops are fun for the younger ones.

3. Be friendly, but don’t try to be cool. You’ll embarrass your children by trying too hard to be accepted as “one of them”. It’s ok to be maintain the role of the parent and not their friend.

4. Put valuables and fragile items away. I’ll decorate my house with knick knacks after the kids are grown. But then there’ll be grandkids…:)

5. It’s ok to have rules. Every so often I have to say, “Watch your mouth, please” or “Please no feet on the furniture”. Just be reasonable that kids will move things around, and they will not be perfect. So be prepared ahead of time not to get upset.

What other ways do you make your house inviting to kids?

Photo by Ingorrr

Tags: friends, house, peers
Posted in General, What's a good parent • 6 Comments »

A caller on the radio talk show had this question:

She was very excited to have landed the lead role in a community theater. The problem is, there is one kiss with the leading man required. Her husband objected to her taking the role. What should she do?

When I heard the dilemma, my first thought was, “What’s the big deal with one little kiss? Her husband is being ridiculous.”

But the host’s answer surprised me. She said, the husband’s reaction is not about jealousy. It’s a matter of modesty. What kind of message is she giving to her children? What message is she giving to her husband?

In fact, the caller then said her children did ask about “mommy kissing another man”. Even though they understand it’s just a show, they seemed very uncomfortable with the idea.

I am afraid I’ve taken kissing too lightly.

We’ve been conditioned to think kissing is not big deal. People kiss on the first date, when they hardly even know the person. Teen shows on Disney channel show young people kiss on dates, and next thing you know, they break up.

Yet, if you think about it, kissing is quite an intimate exchange. It’s foreplay that arouses our desire for more. But more often than not, it is view as an innocent recreational pastime.

I was taught to not have premarital sex , but I was not held to a higher standard. Now that I am married, I wish I was not so free with kissing. If I had to do it over again, I wish I had saved my first kiss.

My daughter came home from a youth group meeting and said our pastor’s wife challenged them to save their first kiss for the wedding day. If that possible? In this culture of sexual freedom, can young people hold to such a standard?

In fact, I know several newly married couples that have succeeded. Their first kiss was at the altar.

We don’t expect enough of our kids . As the authors of the Rebelution says, culture is constantly reinforcing lower and lower standards and expectations for our teens. Yet teenagers are capable of much more when they are challenged. We are seeing many technological inventions coming from young people because they see a vision of what our world can be.

It is the same for morality. We have set the standards of morality too low. By doing so, we are not doing our children any favors. Messages of “Don’t get pregnant” or “Don’t have intercourse before marriage” are not teaching our children the true meaning of modesty and who they can be.

I wish I was challenged to save my first kiss. My mistake could save my children some heartaches in their future. Let’s challenge our children to save their first kiss and see them live a life that they will not feel ashamed of.

Photo by circo de invierno

Tags: kiss, modesty, sex, teenager
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know • 3 Comments »

A mom asked me, “How do I talk to my daughter in college about sex?”

This mom wanted to warn her daughter not to have promiscuous sex.

As with many subjects that we want our kids to learn, a straight lecture is usually not the best method. Don’t we simply tune out people that we don’t want to listen to?

A better way to approach talking to your teen about sex is to ask questions . I don’t mean a lecture in question form like, “Don’t you know you can get STD if you have sex?

If we are good listeners and really ask questions that seek to understand them, our children will begin to open their hearts to us. Just remember don’t act shocked at what they might tell you!

Here are some questions to start the conversation. Follow each question with a why or why not.

• What’s the pervasive attitude of sex among your friends?
• Are your friends having sex?
• Is anyone you know pregnant or had an abortion?
• Have you ever been pressured to have sex?
• How do you say no to that pressure?
• Do you think it is unrealistic for a young person to remain a virgin until marriage?
• What do you think makes a person ready to have sex?
• Do you think sometimes people have sex just to impress friends?
• Do you think it is important to save yourself before marriage?
• Would you want your future spouse to have had sex before marrying you?

What other questions have you found to be useful?

Photo by desi.italy

Tags: sex, teenager
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years • 7 Comments »

This may surprise you, but I read that most teenagers actually rate their parents high on the list of people they trust to give them accurate information about sex.

Yet, we as parents are often embarrassed to talk about sex with our children, aren’t we?

Honestly, my mother never talked to me specifically about sex. It was a taboo subject at our house. I learned from biology books!

However, throughout my life, my parents taught me the value of being pure, not to act with impropriety, and that my body is private. And I’d be in a heap of trouble if I got pregnant! Those attitudes and that (healthy dose of) fear allowed me to practice abstinence until I got married. I am so glad I did, and I thank my parents for bringing me up right.

While it is rather difficult to explain the whole thing about the birds and the bees, our children really do not need us to tell them the physiology of how babies are made. That’s the easy part.

The more important subject is the morality of sex. Why is it wrong to have sex before marriage? What about if you really love someone? How far is too far?

As it is often said, values and attitudes are caught, not taught. This is true of sex education at home. So do not worry too much about having “The Talk” . It is more important that throughout your child’s growing up you are taking teachable moments to convey to him your values.

Here are some areas where children catch our attitudes about sex:

1. What we watch on TV and movies. Attitudes about sex is constantly being portrayed in the media. Whether it’s a comedy, a mystery, a suspense, or a romance, sex is always in there somewhere. I dare say 99% of what is shown is not what we want our children to embrace. But when our children see the openness of premarital sex and displays of heavy affection coming into our living room through the tube, and we are all there watching it, what type of message are they getting?

2. Your relationship with your spouse. If we build a strong marriage relationship with our spouse, our children will see that marriage works and it is worth waiting for. If they do not see a good marriage, they figure, why wait? It’s no fun to be married anyway.

3. Show them true love. When we show acts of kindness to our spouse and others around us, when we stay in a marriage and work things out, when we give 100% towards our family, we teach our children that love is a commitment, not just a feeling. When they ask, “Why is it wrong to have sex with someone if you are truly in love?” The answer is apparent. Love is only true when two people are willing to commit themselves in a marriage. If there is no commitment, it is not true love, no matter how it feels. That’s why sex before marriage is not done with true love.

4. Admit our own mistakes. I am ashame of the many mistakes I’ve made as a youth in the past. When it is appropriate, I believe it is ok to be honest and admit my past failures to my children. We can let our children learn from our mistakes. I’ve told my children some of the stupid things I’ve done. I also tell them what I’ve lost because of those mistakes - I’ve lost innocence, I have to live with bad memories, I’ve hurt others. While the past is in the past and our lives are great now, many mistakes just can not be repaired. It cost us something, and we hope they do not make the same mistakes.

5. Have high expectations. Let your children know that their body is special and private and not to be misused. Hold up a high standard of morality, and your children will respond in kind.

Photo by aussiegall

Tags: abstinence, sex
Posted in Teaching values, What our children should know • 4 Comments »

Should we teach our teens about using condoms? Isn’t it better to teach them about safe sex since they are going to have sex anyway?

Kara, an abstinence educator, tells it like it is in a letter she wrote to Dr. Laura . It gives us the right perspective about what we should teach our children.

Here is the letter in its entirety. The emphasis is mine.

Greetings Dr. Laura,

I have been an abstinence educator in Cochise County for approximately 10 years now. I have taught at Bisbee High School for about the last 7 years in the Life Skills class. Why don’t you ask how it is possible when condoms fail (as birth control) the most in preventing pregnancy in adults, how they are preventing the spread of STD’s in irresponsible teens with underdeveloped frontal lobes? The current statistics show the FACTS concerning Sexually Transmitted Diseases. The statistics concerning condom RISK REDUCTION are usually not about teens, but adults who know how to use them appropriately and properly. Would you loan the keys of your Lexus to a teen? Yet some encourage teens to entrust the only body they have to a little piece of latex.

We teach tobacco education, drug education and alcohol education encouraging abstinence from these dangerous activities, knowing full well some youth will do it anyway. Why not tobacco safety smoking low tar and nicotine cigarettes? Why not a “safe needle” program for drugs? Why not “drinking underage at home, just don’t drive” messages? Why is it we can potty train them when they are 2-3 years old, expect them to control their bladders/bowels, yet think they cannot control their genitals? Can you imagine your daughter, wanting to save her body, making it something special, opening her prom bag and seeing condoms? This is pressure on those making healthy decisions! Why don’t we give forms for GED’s when kids start 9th grade, just to assure them if they can’t “hack” school, they can always drop out and get a GED?

In conclusion I must say how it stymies me when grown adults ignore the TRUTH. Condoms fail frequently concerning birth control. Condoms were NOT designed to protect against disease, which is present 24/7 and smaller than a human sperm. Girls are only fertile approximately 72 hours a cycle, or three days a month for pregnancy. Herpes and syphilis lesions and HPV can be on areas of the genitalia not covered by that little piece of latex and God help them if they are allergic to latex! Go ahead Bisbee, while you are at it, give them the keys to your cars too! At least they’re insured!

Sincerely,
Kara

Tags: abstinence, sex, teens
Posted in Teaching values, Teenage years, What our children should know • 5 Comments »